Beautiful...

Life is beautiful right now! I honestly can't imagine it being better! I arrived safely, late but in one piece! It wasn't too cold when I first got here, but boy oh boy has that changed! It MUST be love for me to move here in January! Yesterday it was twenty below zero! And the night before there was a blizzard advisory! So, I'm trying to stay warm!!

I went to Bill's old church on Sunday, it was great to see some people that I haven't seen in about ten years! I didn't realize how emotional it would be walking in there, but it was. I was overcome with emotion...Bill helped start that church when I was 19. I spent three years there and it was a huge part of all of our lives. But it was nice to be there. I went yesterday to Bible study. I thought it started at 8, but it was 9 so I got to join in with the prayer team. It was a very blessing experience! Then, yesterday afternoon, I went to visit River Valley, the church where me and Shayne, Mark and Rene all used to go to. When we first started going there they met in a school and had maybe 200 members. Now they are running around 3,000! They have an absolutely beautiful building too! I got to catch up with Pastor Rob and his wife Becca. They were a HUGE part of our lives back then and actually helped Shayne and I minister to Mark and Rene and lead them to Christ! It was awesome! So, Mark and I are going to start counseling with Pastor Rob next week! I am super excited about it! We are great together, but we have a lot of things to deal with, mostly Rene and we figured since he knows her and knows the situation, he can probably give us some good direction! Then, last night, I went to Celebrate Recovery there and was totally blessed! The lesson was on hope! I have so much of that right now!! I met some great women too!

Today I woke up and said out loud, I'm expecting things to happen today Lord! And they are! Things are happening and it couldn't be better! I have a job interview at 2 today and am going by another office to give my resume. I know a girl who works there and they are looking to hire immediately! It's exciting times right now!!

Mark will be moving into his place on Monday and will stay there for a couple of months until we can calm things down with Rene, so I will spend most of my time there. It's funny how the time apart and heartache made us grow so much closer! It's awesome!

Thanks for all of your prayers, they are working!!

This is IT!!!!

Well, today is the day that my life will change FOREVER! As I sit here writing this, I still have a hard time actually believing it is happening! I am sitting here completely amazed and in awe of how God is working in both my life and Mark's. This is right, there is zero doubt about that in me today! I have spent many hours over the past two weeks praying about this situation. And I have complete and total peace! For those of you who know both of us, you know that we are probably the most spontanious people on the face of the earth....not so much individually, ok well maybe Mark is, but I'm not. But together, we are! I mean, how many times did we wake up, look at each other and say "hey, roadtrip?" Yeah, a lot! So today is no different! I wasn't supposed to go there for another week, but this morning during our daily morning phone call and cup of coffee together, we were talking about how much we were missing each other and Mark said, "babe, the day isn't over, you can still get on a plane" and all I could say was, "today? Seriously?" Now, why I had to actually ask him if he was serious is beyond me! Of course he was! He wanted me there a week ago, and it was just like him to wake up, call me and tell me to get on a plane! It wouldn't be the first time we had done something like this! So, that was it, I booked the flight! He is picking me up from the airport tonight and taking me to dinner. And someone very special will be with him too! Tommy (his 2 year old) and I haven't seen him since he turned 1 so I am SO excited about that!!

So here starts this new journey, one that's very familiar, yet completely new! I can't wait to see all God has in store for us! It's going to be amazing and I truly believe 2010 is going to be the year! The year for us together and also individually! I can't wait!

Laughing

A couple of nights ago Mark was at Rene's and she was pulling her usual crap! He got very frustrated with her and for the first time in a long time he basically told her exactly what he thought of her. He left her house and called me. He felt horrible, he was beating himself up about losing his cool. I told him it was ok. I said "you've held this in for so long, it was bound to happen. It doesn't make it right, and you should have held your tongue, but stop beating yourself up about it." I told him he needed to pray and give all of it over to God and leave it alone. That's exactly what we did. He prayed first and then I prayed. By the following day he felt so much better! He started work that day and he absolutely loves his new job. And they love him! Not like I was surprised, but he was! We continue to have our daily and nightly conversations. I love it! Tonight he called me and we talked for about an hour. He was telling me all of the things going on at work, and talking about some old friends of ours he had seen tonight. I just love the way we laugh together, laugh at the little dumb things that probably nobody else would laugh at! So, I asked him tonight, "what is one thing you really miss most about me?" His answer? He said "I really miss the way we just sat around and acted stupid and goofy...laughing at absolutely everything" So, what did I do, that's right, I started laughing! He knew exactly why too! He said "that was what you were going to say huh?" We are in sync, this is for sure! I am getting SO excited to see him! So much lost time to be made up for! I reminded him tonight how we had prayed and he gave everything to God. He said "yeah and I just left it with him, and you know what? Everything is going fantastic" So, here we go! Thanks for reading my blog, and thanks for the prayers! Love you all!!

A Great Sunday!

Today was really great! When it first started off I wasn't so sure it was going to be a good day, but it turned out fabulous! I woke up and got all ready for the day. I wanted to take the boys to church, they never get to go and talk about it all of the time. I was really ready to go worship today, I have so much to be thankful for! Well, nobody except for Austin wanted to go. I asked Shayne and he said it was fine for me to take the Durango. Well, after we were all ready, Austin decided he didn't want to go. I was really bummed about that, but I still wanted to go. I asked Shayne if it was ok, well now he was in an irritated mood because the boys were fighting. So, he told me no, in a not so nice way. I was just so sad about it, I had tears in my eyes and I begged him, I told him I really needed to go to church today but he wouldn't budge! Mark was taking his kids to our old church in Minnesota and I called him when they were on their way. Funny how the sound of his voice can bring me encouragement and pull me out of a bad spot. So, I remembered that our old church in Vegas has their services live online. Brayden and I sat at the computer and watched church together. I have never done this before, and I must say, I was somewhat skeptical, but as it turned out I was totally blessed by Pastor Jud! He's teaching a series called $trapped! He spoke about the riches of Christ, not monetary riches but all He has to offer us! ALL OF HIS RICHES AND GLORY! It made me realize how it's so true that today life is amazing, there is SO much to offer us, everything at our fingertips, yet for some reason none of us are ever satisfied! Amazing! And I found it a little ironic, here I was sitting at the computer desk, which is located in the bedroom, at my ex husbands house, raising my hands during praise and worship, praying when they prayed and thoroughly enjoying this sermon. Ironic though because as he was preaching on how people in today's world put way too much into actual riches...MONEY! And that is him to a T! He measures everything in his life with money, relationships, friendships, etc. So, I think I was supposed to be sitting right there at that computer today. I think this house needed to be filled with that message! He might not have heard it, but the Lord was in this house today :)

After church, it was time for the Vikings/Cowboys game! I couldn't wait!!! Here I am in Dallas and I'm cheering for the Vikings! Needless to say, my status updates on Facebook weren't looked too kindly upon by my peeps in Dallas haha! So, last night Mark and I made a little wager. You see, he was just positive that the Cowboys were going to take this game, so after a few minutes of me giving him a hard time about being a trader, we put the wager on the table. If the Vikings won he has to buy my plane ticket, if the Cowboys won, I buy my own LOL! So, Dylan and I sat there together on the couch *he's my only football fan in the family* watching the game....and let me say this, from the very beginning of the first quarter that game was AWESOME! And that was it...the smack talking started via computer text ;) And then, by half time, the score was 17-3 VIKINGS! Woohoo! Well, it continued and by the end of the game we had sacked the Cowboys QB *Romo* 6 times! And the score was final 34-3! That's right, the Cowboys did not make ONE touchdown! So, I called my little Marky Mark and gloated! BIG TIME! He said he never would have imagined that happening but he knew he had to pay up! I'm posting a couple of pictures that Dylan and I took and sent to him during the game! Those are not peace signs, they are V's for Vikings!

So, now I'm sitting here writing, waiting for our nightly phone call! He's had the kids since he got to town yesterday and he's getting ready to take them back to their mom's house. He starts his new job in the morning! I'm so excited for him! He's going to be awesome I just know it! Oh I love him!

Safe, Sound and Sealed with Prayer!

Mark arrived safely in Minnesota! He hit quite a bit of ice along the way and the truck and trailer went crazy a couple of times but he remained safe and covered with God's protection the entire way there!

By the time he reached Jackson, which is about 100 miles away, he was feeling quite a bit more hopeful about things. Both he and I had been praying individually all day long and he was beginning to feel it!

So, I talked to him while he was driving thru Jackson and we decided that was when we needed to pray together. So, I began. I prayed that God would give him the courage and wisdom to deal with the entire situation with Rene. I asked God to reveal to Mark that he does have the strength within him to come thru this. I also asked that God show him he has a multitude of people both there in MN and away in other places who love him dearly and are in his corner ready to support him in any way they can. I asked the Lord to hold his heart and heal it. I claimed peace and health in Jesus name. After I was done, Mark surprised me and prayed for me. It was probably by far my most favorite conversation that I have EVER had with this man! After we were done talking, we both said to each other that we felt so amazingly blessed that we can do this with each other! WOOO HOOOO I AM BLESSED! God is amazing and He NEVER leaves us! And I truly know He desires the best for us. All we have to do is trust in Him and walk faithfully with Him! So, here starts this new road, a road of togetherness as well as a road of individual journey! But we will be there with each other, hand in hand and walking with the Lord. We made that commitment to each other today :) God WILL be the center of our relationship! It's real and it's forever!

Prayer

Well, as I am sitting here writing this blog, Mark is about 3 hours away from Minnesota. We talked most of the night, it was great. At one point he was going to pull over and get a couple hours of sleep, he was exhausted. So, I told him I'd call him in 3. I called back almost 4 hours later and he had this discouraged sound in his voice. I asked him if he slept, he said no. I asked him what was wrong and he said "I can't hide anything from you!" Well, he then started to tell me all about a conversation he had with Rene. I sat there and listened without saying a word. Listened to him tell me how she ripped him apart yet again. How he was a horrible husband, horrible man, never did anything for her except made her stay home and raise the kids and not give her any attention. Then she proceeded to tell him she wants him to go to her house when he gets in town, she said her boyfriend would be there, but that he's ok with Mark being around! She wants him to take the kids for the weekend because her and her boyfriend are having a party! Now, I have to say, there are two sides to every story, but I know both sides of this! Yes, Mark made some mistakes in his marriage to Rene. But, he was anything but a horrible husband, man etc. He was very attentive to her, the most attentive man I've ever seen! His biggest downfall? He worked too much. Why? Because she always needed something and had thousands of dollars worth of unnecessary medical bills! So, I spent the next 2 hours building him back up. I told him that I knew first hand that none of that was true! I told him that I lived life with him and he was anything but a horrible man! We talked a lot about God and I explained that I thought this was going to be the perfect time for him to get plugged back into River Valley Church starting Sunday! This church is where Shayne and I attended when we lived there and also where Mark got saved 13 years ago!! He agreed. I am so angry with this woman, I'm angry with her for tearing this man down! He DOES not deserve it! I have never understood why people insist on hurting other people "just because" but I think I have come to understand that when a person is miserable with themselves it just comes naturally to tear other people down and invite them in to their misery! She needs the Lord in her life, at one time she had a relationship with Him but she never let it grow in the right way.

I explained to him that he has so many people that love and care about him, people there too. And that he needs to surround himself with those people who will build him up instead of tear him down! I have learned in a great way that who you surround yourself with defines the direction your life goes!

Mark said he's been saying little prayers the whole way there. Asking God for wisdom. When we got off the phone at 4 this morning, I prayed for him. I asked God to give him courage and strength, I asked Him to show Mark that he IS capable of this journey. Mark is going to pull over just before he gets to town and we are going to pray together. So I am searching my heart for the right words to say, for what to ask for exactly. I have peace about this whole thing. We are more meshed together than ever before and I am so grateful for that! Please keep this whole situation in your prayers. Thank you! We love you all!

Long Road Trip Equals Long Conversations and Time For Reflecting!

This picture is one of Mark's favorite of us. We went in September to Arizona, just the two of us and spent the weekend camping. Now, I've camped before, but this was by far the best camping trip I've ever been on! We were very ill prepared, it was absolutely freezing *in the 30's* and when we got there we realized we had only one sleeping bag and a small one at that! We had NO fire wood either! So, my little adventurous man went to work! He gathered up all kinds of limb and excess wood and built on this fire for over 2 hours until it was at least 6 feet tall! We stayed up until 4 in the morning laughing, roasting marshmellows, talking and taking silly pictures! This picture was taken by setting the camera's timer and setting it on the truck!

So, I'm on my 6th cup of coffee today. I'm going to need all of the energy I can get, I have a LONG day and night ahead of me. It's my job today to keep Mark awake and focused while he's driving ;) And I love it! We've talked for a few hours so far and I sent him the pictures that I have posted in this blog. He needed to smile and I knew that these pictures would get the job done :) It's funny because I miss him so badly and there are moments where I feel like this is going to take forever. But, the last thing he needs right now is to feel that from me. So I have spent the duration of our conversation encouraging him, when he says to me that he just feels like this is never going to end, or that he is so sad, or that this is such a daunting feeling, I remind him that I love him, that he is going to be with his babies every single day, and then I remind him that not only does he have me to lean on, but God is right there with him and that He has a specific plan for his/our lives. We've spent most of the morning talking about the great times we had, but the coolest thing about our relationship is that we are able to tell each other what bothered us too.

I am NOT a fool, I've been thru this before and I know that this road will not be easy, probably not for a long time! But there is one thing Mark and I have, we have faith. We have a relationship with the Lord and with that, we can make it thru the storm! I just keep reminding him of that. I am finding that I have much more strength than I realized. I lost focus for a while, but when Mark and I are together in life, even when it's just been as friends, I feel like I can take on the world and come out on the other side unharmed.

My darling friend April laughs and says we make her want to puke...but you know what? I'm glad, I think this is exactly how people are supposed to love each other....sappy love. It's the greatest feeling in the world! When I was married, I can honestly say that I didn't feel this kind of love. I think a lot of it was just a security for me, I was so young. And I really thought that this kind of love didn't exist...at least not outside of the movies, but I can stand here and say with certainty that it DOES exist!

We were talking this morning about all of the things we have had to go thru, both with each other and alone, to get where we are right now. Mark said he knows that our relationship will be so strong because of all of this, and I have absolutely NO doubt about that! It's like that song that's on my page, "From Where You Are" by Lifehouse, We really do miss ALL the little things, never thought they would mean everything to me. It's so true!

So I have this to say...first of all, thank you to all of you who have supported and loved me individually, and both of us together, thru all of this. And second, if you don't have this kind of love, you can! It takes work, it isn't easy, but it is without a doubt worth every single effort, tear, smile, laugh and frustration! Go for it and never give up!

The Year of Dragonflies!

To our Belt Buckley family, we love you more than we could ever put into words. You are simply amazing people. I know I can speak for Mark right now and say we both thank God for bringing you to us. Just because we're gone from the "block" does not in any way mean we are gone from each others lives. We will have time together again, we will be back in NV and we'll have a houseboat reunion :) And hey, we've got San Diego in September right? We love you Belt Buckley! Thank you for being you and loving us unconditionally thru all of the highs and lows! You're simply the best! Oh and we will always have Halloween! This is for you guys!








In my old blog I posted regarding my love of dragonflies. I had looked up the meaning of them and found this: Dragonflies symbolize the ability of changing and being ok with it. Also renewal, positive force and the power of life in general. I thought this was pretty awesome.

So, there have been a lot of changes I've had to deal with in the past couple of years. Some good, some painful, but all in all the changes had to happen. I guess I've learned how to deal with changing and adapting. Not to say that it's not painful at times, because it is...a lot of the time.

Mark spent the day yesterday packing everything into his 15 ft. trailer and the truck. He was ready for this change ahead of him. We were so blessed with amazing neighbors, it was in no way your typical neighborhood. It was a family in every sense of the word. Well, the Belt Buckley crew headed over to the house last night to say their goodbyes. Mark was a wreck. It hit him that he was leaving this family behind, yes, he is going to be with his kids, but these people have been there thru everything, babies being born, separation, divorce, new relationships, and everything else in between, good and bad. He found himself grieving for the loss. They spent time with him, loving him and encouraging him. They are amazing like that! At the end of the night, they made sure he got to bed at a decent hour, which is actually a miracle since most of the nights on Belt Buckley are very very late! But Mark is their baby and they wanted to make sure he would be safe and rested on the drive. They all know him well, they know he's stubborn and he has been known to make that long drive with absolutely no sleep. But this time was different because there is so much emotion involved.

I was so worried about him last night, I didn't get to talk to him, he was too upset. And I knew exactly how he felt because it was so hard for me to say goodbye to them when I left. But I talked to Donna last night and told her to give him a huge hug for me, and she did. I went to bed, hurting for him, missing him, but knowing he would be ok and get thru this. He called me at 8 this morning, which was 6 for him. He said "were you worried about me last night?" I cried and said of course. He told me not to worry about him, that he was ok, it was just hard. I explained that I knew exactly how hard it was. We cried together and I told him how much I believe in him, how much I respect him and how I will be there right along side of him no matter what. We talked for a while as he was just getting started on the drive. He couldn't fit everything into the truck and trailer. He had to leave most of the bedroom furniture that we had bought together. I told him that I was sad about that and he said "don't be, it's a new time and we will just get something different together" So, here goes our new journey, well, I guess there's a couple of journeys. One he's finishing and one we're beginning together. And this time, we will be doing things a little differently, and like he said today this time around we are keeping both Shayne and Rene OUT of our relationship completely. I love this man with everything in me and I am so thankful God has brought him, and kept him in my life!

A New Day!

Well, it's been a long while. The truth of it is, I changed my password and forgot it! So...here I am, starting a new blog!

Tuesday was nine months since Bill left us. It seems to be getting easier, at times. The days of me being sad are fewer and farther between. I still think about him and all he did for me every single day though. I know he is watching over and proud of who I am!

Life has been interesting to say the least over the past two months. There were some pretty painful parts. A lot of tears have been shed. I am famous for saying "there is a reason for everything and sometimes we just don't know what the reasons are for" Well, I have to say, I truly believed that but in the past two months I found myself thinking what a load of crap that was! I wanted answers, no I needed answers but I just didn't have them! I thought my life was all planned out, I thought it was just as it should be, but in the matter of ONE day my life was turned upside down! I had a beautiful life with Mark, we were on the same page about love, family, life, goals etc. It was the purest relationship I had ever had. We didn't fight, if we didn't agree on something, we talked it out, resolved it and it was put to rest. I was happier than I had ever been in my life and I KNEW that God had brought us together. It ended just before Thanksgiving so suddenly, and there I was on a plane to Seattle, leaving my beautiful life, the love of my life for good. Now, this had the potential to throw me into a downward spiral. I could have easily ended up back where I came from, and I would be dishonest if I said it didn't cross my mind. I just wanted all of the pain to stop and there were a few days in the beginning that I just couldn't see how I could possibly move forward. But I did it! I did NOT turn to my old ways, instead I prayed, I talked things out with myself and others that cared for me. Instead of turning to pills, I turned to God and used the skills to get thru it that I learned at the center. I have to say, it was a great feeling! In order to heal, I had to try and put Mark out of my heart, I tried to convince myself that I was doing just that. I went thru all of the stages, and anger was the one that stuck the longest. But the truth of the matter was that I still loved him deeply. I never stopped loving him. And deep in my heart I knew it wasn't done. I knew that we were not finished, that we do belong together, but at the same time, I knew that unfortunately it was over, because it's what he wanted. I had to respect him. I had to do this because I love him so much. So that's exactly what I did. Now for those of you who know me, I am not the most patient person in the world! I want what I want! And I wanted him, I wanted answers. But for some reason, I was able to be patient. I left him alone. I didn't call, I only text him 3 times, once to thank him for sending me all of my things, once to wish him happy birthday and once when I needed help with a broken down car. And you know what? He NEVER responded to any of them...and I was ok with that! I left it alone. He needed to try to put his family back together and I respected that. This man had been my best friend for thirteen years and deep down I knew that one day we would return to that. But I knew that if I pushed my way into his life he could potentially end up resenting me, and I couldn't do that. Well, my dear friend Donna sent me an email on Tuesday letting me know that Mark was back from MN and she thought maybe it was time for me to call him. Donna is the mom of our block back in NV. I love her, she is amazing! She has been a HUGE source of strength for me thru all of this. So, I usually listen to what she says and this was no exception. I called him. I got his voice mail *and it was so great to hear that voice* but I didn't leave a message. I called later that afternoon and got his voicemail again, this time I left a message. I said this: "Hey old man! It's Amy. I just wanted to call and say hi and see how you're doing. I also need to talk to you about a couple of things, so when you get a chance please call me back." Well, I didn't hear from him. I honestly did not expect to. Well, later that night, about 11:00, I decided I was going to try one more time. Again, no answer! So in true Amy fashion, I decided I was going to call one more time. So I immediately did. This time, he answered! I told him hi and asked him what he was doing, he responded with "listening to your voicemail for the third time" My heart melted! We started talking, we talked about everything....about what happened and why....about where life is right now....about how much we missed each other....and most of all about how much we love each other. My heart was healing almost instantly! I got some much needed answers, but the greatest part of the conversation was the honesty of it! The two of us have always been like that with each other. Open and honest and this was no exception! He explained to me that what we had was so great that it scared him. He found himself waiting for the other shoe to drop...the only thing was is that there was no other shoe! He had realized that. We both confessed that we had never had anything like that in our lives and we missed it so much. We stayed on the phone until 4:30 in the morning! It was amazing! My heart was longing for him so much. I found myself wishing I could jump on a plane and go to him. But, it is still time for me to be patient! I've heard this before, but I've never had first hand experience with it.....If you love something, set it free, if it comes back to you it's yours, if it doesn't it never was. So, the truth of it was, I loved Mark enough to let him go. I left him alone, and it turns out, that was the best thing I could do for him....for me....for us. I went into that relationship knowing in my heart that God had His hand in it. And then when it all came crashing down, I doubted that. Well, He has had His hand in it all along. See, the thing is, Mark had to figure things out for himself, me sitting there telling him these things didn't work...HE had to realize them on his own.

So, I don't know where exactly things are going to go. But I do know this, love is an amazing thing. It is the strongest bond in the world. It doesn't just go away, not real pure love. There is still a journey going on, he has to finish this journey, but now he knows he is not alone. I am still there as I always was and I will be there at the end of that road he's on. And I sit here today praising God for what He is doing! Being obedient is the ONLY way to live your life! I am walking proof of that!