A New Day!

Well, it's been a long while. The truth of it is, I changed my password and forgot it! So...here I am, starting a new blog!

Tuesday was nine months since Bill left us. It seems to be getting easier, at times. The days of me being sad are fewer and farther between. I still think about him and all he did for me every single day though. I know he is watching over and proud of who I am!

Life has been interesting to say the least over the past two months. There were some pretty painful parts. A lot of tears have been shed. I am famous for saying "there is a reason for everything and sometimes we just don't know what the reasons are for" Well, I have to say, I truly believed that but in the past two months I found myself thinking what a load of crap that was! I wanted answers, no I needed answers but I just didn't have them! I thought my life was all planned out, I thought it was just as it should be, but in the matter of ONE day my life was turned upside down! I had a beautiful life with Mark, we were on the same page about love, family, life, goals etc. It was the purest relationship I had ever had. We didn't fight, if we didn't agree on something, we talked it out, resolved it and it was put to rest. I was happier than I had ever been in my life and I KNEW that God had brought us together. It ended just before Thanksgiving so suddenly, and there I was on a plane to Seattle, leaving my beautiful life, the love of my life for good. Now, this had the potential to throw me into a downward spiral. I could have easily ended up back where I came from, and I would be dishonest if I said it didn't cross my mind. I just wanted all of the pain to stop and there were a few days in the beginning that I just couldn't see how I could possibly move forward. But I did it! I did NOT turn to my old ways, instead I prayed, I talked things out with myself and others that cared for me. Instead of turning to pills, I turned to God and used the skills to get thru it that I learned at the center. I have to say, it was a great feeling! In order to heal, I had to try and put Mark out of my heart, I tried to convince myself that I was doing just that. I went thru all of the stages, and anger was the one that stuck the longest. But the truth of the matter was that I still loved him deeply. I never stopped loving him. And deep in my heart I knew it wasn't done. I knew that we were not finished, that we do belong together, but at the same time, I knew that unfortunately it was over, because it's what he wanted. I had to respect him. I had to do this because I love him so much. So that's exactly what I did. Now for those of you who know me, I am not the most patient person in the world! I want what I want! And I wanted him, I wanted answers. But for some reason, I was able to be patient. I left him alone. I didn't call, I only text him 3 times, once to thank him for sending me all of my things, once to wish him happy birthday and once when I needed help with a broken down car. And you know what? He NEVER responded to any of them...and I was ok with that! I left it alone. He needed to try to put his family back together and I respected that. This man had been my best friend for thirteen years and deep down I knew that one day we would return to that. But I knew that if I pushed my way into his life he could potentially end up resenting me, and I couldn't do that. Well, my dear friend Donna sent me an email on Tuesday letting me know that Mark was back from MN and she thought maybe it was time for me to call him. Donna is the mom of our block back in NV. I love her, she is amazing! She has been a HUGE source of strength for me thru all of this. So, I usually listen to what she says and this was no exception. I called him. I got his voice mail *and it was so great to hear that voice* but I didn't leave a message. I called later that afternoon and got his voicemail again, this time I left a message. I said this: "Hey old man! It's Amy. I just wanted to call and say hi and see how you're doing. I also need to talk to you about a couple of things, so when you get a chance please call me back." Well, I didn't hear from him. I honestly did not expect to. Well, later that night, about 11:00, I decided I was going to try one more time. Again, no answer! So in true Amy fashion, I decided I was going to call one more time. So I immediately did. This time, he answered! I told him hi and asked him what he was doing, he responded with "listening to your voicemail for the third time" My heart melted! We started talking, we talked about everything....about what happened and why....about where life is right now....about how much we missed each other....and most of all about how much we love each other. My heart was healing almost instantly! I got some much needed answers, but the greatest part of the conversation was the honesty of it! The two of us have always been like that with each other. Open and honest and this was no exception! He explained to me that what we had was so great that it scared him. He found himself waiting for the other shoe to drop...the only thing was is that there was no other shoe! He had realized that. We both confessed that we had never had anything like that in our lives and we missed it so much. We stayed on the phone until 4:30 in the morning! It was amazing! My heart was longing for him so much. I found myself wishing I could jump on a plane and go to him. But, it is still time for me to be patient! I've heard this before, but I've never had first hand experience with it.....If you love something, set it free, if it comes back to you it's yours, if it doesn't it never was. So, the truth of it was, I loved Mark enough to let him go. I left him alone, and it turns out, that was the best thing I could do for him....for me....for us. I went into that relationship knowing in my heart that God had His hand in it. And then when it all came crashing down, I doubted that. Well, He has had His hand in it all along. See, the thing is, Mark had to figure things out for himself, me sitting there telling him these things didn't work...HE had to realize them on his own.

So, I don't know where exactly things are going to go. But I do know this, love is an amazing thing. It is the strongest bond in the world. It doesn't just go away, not real pure love. There is still a journey going on, he has to finish this journey, but now he knows he is not alone. I am still there as I always was and I will be there at the end of that road he's on. And I sit here today praising God for what He is doing! Being obedient is the ONLY way to live your life! I am walking proof of that!